Stagnation
When your life has stagnated, or when your life has reached a point where you don't find joy in anything else you do, what would you do? Would you confine yourself to the thought that life nowadays is now confined to a schedule or do you try and break it and get out of the cycle? If you do, what would you do and how would you do it?
Those are the questions that have been plaguing me for weeks now. I'm afraid to admit it, but my life really has stagnated. Generally speaking, stagnation is bad, and when I meant that my life has stagnated, it has reached that point where I'm just confined to a schedule, day in and day out, I don't usually find happiness in the things I do anymore—basically the same week keeps repeating over and over and my happiness is slowly declining.
A few months ago, when I had my English term, my life was also confined to a schedule—albeit a more fun and enjoyable one. Every Monday morning, I would see the girl I love (my professor) and she would brighten up my entire week like the sun on a warm summer day. If I were to describe the feeling exactly, it would be like a person (who's been spending his time in solitary confinement) getting out of the cell and being able to run freely. Keep in mind that I was in love with her this whole time, and I'm a very different person whenever I'm in love.
I had this idea of remodeling my entire attitude based off of Seohyun, and I even had a funny term for it—all in an attempt of looking good towards my professor. I regularly shaved my face, read books, and often took lessons seriously. Things were going great for me, and that's just Monday, the other days of the week are filled with more than or equal to the joy that Monday brings.
Like I said, things were going fine until my first term ended.
Now I'm struggling to learn all of these stupid algorithms and abstract mathematical concepts they teach in calculus. As you all know by now, math is my Achilles heel, and I believe that it is the thing that will bring me down. My grades in my other subjects are not looking good either. I lost 1.3 points this term compared to my relatively high GPA of the English term, which was 3.30 (4 is the highest).
To make matters worse, I don't have a crush on anyone now. You might get mad about my statement there, or just say that there's nothing wrong with having a crush on someone, but hear me out on this. As I've said earlier, I'm a different person when I have a crush or whenever I'm in love with someone. I have something inside of me that activates whenever I'm in love with someone. I start to read books, eat healthier, sleep earlier, and I constantly think of way on how to make myself better. And whenever that happens, oh man, there are no brakes on the development train. I will try as much as I can on improving myself and changing my image.
The catch is, that part of me only activates when I'm in love. There is a good reason behind it, honestly speaking. Whenever I'm in love, I have direction in my life, someone to look up to, I have a hero, and angel, someone I believe I should be thankful for and try to improve myself for. When I'm in love, I'm not just someone who does these tasks just to look good; rather, I'm doing them because I have purpose—that purpose being to serve that person better.
I would use the term "serve" loosely because I'm not a servant, but it's the closest word I can have (curse my relatively small English vocabulary). I know I said a lot of stuff that's a little or not related to the topic at all, but they're all just things left unsaid and, honestly speaking, I originally planned that this post would only have one sentence, and that sentence being:
My life is boring now as I can't find meaning in the things I do anymore.
Those are the questions that have been plaguing me for weeks now. I'm afraid to admit it, but my life really has stagnated. Generally speaking, stagnation is bad, and when I meant that my life has stagnated, it has reached that point where I'm just confined to a schedule, day in and day out, I don't usually find happiness in the things I do anymore—basically the same week keeps repeating over and over and my happiness is slowly declining.
A few months ago, when I had my English term, my life was also confined to a schedule—albeit a more fun and enjoyable one. Every Monday morning, I would see the girl I love (my professor) and she would brighten up my entire week like the sun on a warm summer day. If I were to describe the feeling exactly, it would be like a person (who's been spending his time in solitary confinement) getting out of the cell and being able to run freely. Keep in mind that I was in love with her this whole time, and I'm a very different person whenever I'm in love.
I had this idea of remodeling my entire attitude based off of Seohyun, and I even had a funny term for it—all in an attempt of looking good towards my professor. I regularly shaved my face, read books, and often took lessons seriously. Things were going great for me, and that's just Monday, the other days of the week are filled with more than or equal to the joy that Monday brings.
Like I said, things were going fine until my first term ended.
Now I'm struggling to learn all of these stupid algorithms and abstract mathematical concepts they teach in calculus. As you all know by now, math is my Achilles heel, and I believe that it is the thing that will bring me down. My grades in my other subjects are not looking good either. I lost 1.3 points this term compared to my relatively high GPA of the English term, which was 3.30 (4 is the highest).
To make matters worse, I don't have a crush on anyone now. You might get mad about my statement there, or just say that there's nothing wrong with having a crush on someone, but hear me out on this. As I've said earlier, I'm a different person when I have a crush or whenever I'm in love with someone. I have something inside of me that activates whenever I'm in love with someone. I start to read books, eat healthier, sleep earlier, and I constantly think of way on how to make myself better. And whenever that happens, oh man, there are no brakes on the development train. I will try as much as I can on improving myself and changing my image.
The catch is, that part of me only activates when I'm in love. There is a good reason behind it, honestly speaking. Whenever I'm in love, I have direction in my life, someone to look up to, I have a hero, and angel, someone I believe I should be thankful for and try to improve myself for. When I'm in love, I'm not just someone who does these tasks just to look good; rather, I'm doing them because I have purpose—that purpose being to serve that person better.
I would use the term "serve" loosely because I'm not a servant, but it's the closest word I can have (curse my relatively small English vocabulary). I know I said a lot of stuff that's a little or not related to the topic at all, but they're all just things left unsaid and, honestly speaking, I originally planned that this post would only have one sentence, and that sentence being:
My life is boring now as I can't find meaning in the things I do anymore.
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