Not Belonging Anywhere
If there's one, underlying, thing I've learned over the past couple of months or so, it's the fact that I do not go well with any groups, even with people. I don't really know why, but as far as I can remember I've always been the outcast, the one always left alone ever since elementary or so. I'm in college now and, although I've been making strides in becoming more friendly with people, I still really find myself as someone distant from the others.
Just like what happened earlier, it was our physical education class and we were in this bowling arena. The day started out so great, to be honest, but never had I expected that it would end this horribly. So going back, my class and I were in this bowling arena and for the first few moments I was pretty cool with them all, cracking jokes and laughing with the group. That was until the class started and we were supposed to be in groups. I'm not sure what the maximum number of players were in a group, but I heard it was 7 or so. So my classmates started forming groups/teams and I found myself without a group. I tried to be in the group with my best friend and his friend tried to ask me to join his group but he then asked me to go away, and his friends just laughed at me. I can't accurately describe the feeling, but I felt like I was stabbed in front with a knife or a shard of glass. I then tried to sit with my other friend but he, too, turned me down and asked me to go away.
I then went into the third group, the group with my few remaining classmates and some irregular students. I sat with them for a while and, well, I kinda left because I just couldn't stand the pain I was beginning to feel. So I then moved on to another class and asked my friend if I could join their bowling team and they agreed. I felt relief but little did I know it wouldn't last long.
As the class started and people had begun bowling, I immediately found myself at a bad spot because I'm terrible in bowling. Heck, I'm terrible in any physical sport in general. I was horrible and my swings were landing straight into the gutter, not immediately, but eventually they both ended up there.
That's when I noticed that the friend of my best friend eventually began to call me out on how bad I was at bowling. He made a small joke about removing me from the team because I was so bad at bowling and, basically, that was the last straw for me. Remember the feeling I said earlier, the part where I said that I was like being stabbed by a knife/shard of glass? Well, being called out for being bad at bowling and hearing a joke about being removed from the team felt like the knife went 9 inches deeper. I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't bear it anymore. I had to go.
Eventually I was on the verge of tears and I tried my best to save face, but eventually my weaknesses showed, so I immediately asked if I can leave the class early and my excuse that some family member of mine was in the hospital or some other bullshit. I took off the pair of bowling shoes and headed straight into the seaside (the place we were was by the sea).
And there I was, all alone right by the bay. No one cared that I was even there in the first place. No one wondering why I was there. No one to be around with. That's when I realized that I don't really belong anywhere, I don't really belong to any place other than solitude.
I kind of started to feel bad about myself because in the last term I was basically used as a help material, a tool someone would call if they need it, and still I don't really belong anywhere. It's funny because it seems that my only purpose in life is to serve people and to only serve people when asked.
I sat there for a good while, just staring at the bay with an "I want to die" look on my face. I'm not gonna lie, a few tears were shed during my time sitting there. I'm not usually this weak when it comes to insults, but I've been hit at my Achilles Heel. I'm horrible at sports and I'm terrible in interacting with people, and I just got called out for both.
If I ever had one wish that was to be truly granted, I'd wish to be in a life better than this. I hate being in this life and I don't know why I'm put in this one. My life is quite shit, I'm not gonna lie. Not having any real friends and having no one to confide in. Coupled with the fact that no one wants me in their life and I have no family. It's just a recipe for suicide. I know suicide is bad and that it's the weak way out, but I don't see much reason for living anymore.
I already know my timeline for the future and it doesn't look too good. I personally believe there's no use in existing if I'm just going to be some kind of servant to people and not belonging anywhere. I'd already commit suicide now if I was really depressed, but I'm keeping it on a tab for now.
My takeaway from this whole event is that life sucks, people in life can be assholes even if you've helped them before, and I don't really belong with anyone other than myself.
Just like what happened earlier, it was our physical education class and we were in this bowling arena. The day started out so great, to be honest, but never had I expected that it would end this horribly. So going back, my class and I were in this bowling arena and for the first few moments I was pretty cool with them all, cracking jokes and laughing with the group. That was until the class started and we were supposed to be in groups. I'm not sure what the maximum number of players were in a group, but I heard it was 7 or so. So my classmates started forming groups/teams and I found myself without a group. I tried to be in the group with my best friend and his friend tried to ask me to join his group but he then asked me to go away, and his friends just laughed at me. I can't accurately describe the feeling, but I felt like I was stabbed in front with a knife or a shard of glass. I then tried to sit with my other friend but he, too, turned me down and asked me to go away.
I then went into the third group, the group with my few remaining classmates and some irregular students. I sat with them for a while and, well, I kinda left because I just couldn't stand the pain I was beginning to feel. So I then moved on to another class and asked my friend if I could join their bowling team and they agreed. I felt relief but little did I know it wouldn't last long.
As the class started and people had begun bowling, I immediately found myself at a bad spot because I'm terrible in bowling. Heck, I'm terrible in any physical sport in general. I was horrible and my swings were landing straight into the gutter, not immediately, but eventually they both ended up there.
That's when I noticed that the friend of my best friend eventually began to call me out on how bad I was at bowling. He made a small joke about removing me from the team because I was so bad at bowling and, basically, that was the last straw for me. Remember the feeling I said earlier, the part where I said that I was like being stabbed by a knife/shard of glass? Well, being called out for being bad at bowling and hearing a joke about being removed from the team felt like the knife went 9 inches deeper. I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't bear it anymore. I had to go.
Eventually I was on the verge of tears and I tried my best to save face, but eventually my weaknesses showed, so I immediately asked if I can leave the class early and my excuse that some family member of mine was in the hospital or some other bullshit. I took off the pair of bowling shoes and headed straight into the seaside (the place we were was by the sea).
And there I was, all alone right by the bay. No one cared that I was even there in the first place. No one wondering why I was there. No one to be around with. That's when I realized that I don't really belong anywhere, I don't really belong to any place other than solitude.
I kind of started to feel bad about myself because in the last term I was basically used as a help material, a tool someone would call if they need it, and still I don't really belong anywhere. It's funny because it seems that my only purpose in life is to serve people and to only serve people when asked.
I sat there for a good while, just staring at the bay with an "I want to die" look on my face. I'm not gonna lie, a few tears were shed during my time sitting there. I'm not usually this weak when it comes to insults, but I've been hit at my Achilles Heel. I'm horrible at sports and I'm terrible in interacting with people, and I just got called out for both.
If I ever had one wish that was to be truly granted, I'd wish to be in a life better than this. I hate being in this life and I don't know why I'm put in this one. My life is quite shit, I'm not gonna lie. Not having any real friends and having no one to confide in. Coupled with the fact that no one wants me in their life and I have no family. It's just a recipe for suicide. I know suicide is bad and that it's the weak way out, but I don't see much reason for living anymore.
I already know my timeline for the future and it doesn't look too good. I personally believe there's no use in existing if I'm just going to be some kind of servant to people and not belonging anywhere. I'd already commit suicide now if I was really depressed, but I'm keeping it on a tab for now.
My takeaway from this whole event is that life sucks, people in life can be assholes even if you've helped them before, and I don't really belong with anyone other than myself.
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